To Hell And Back

To Hell And Back

I have been to hell and back over the last three years. I lost a great paying job. I was forced to move from the place I lived. Broke up with a fiance I had been engaged to for over ten years. My father died. I went through the deepest depression I had ever experienced in my life. I didn't sleep well for over two years.

I lost a $50 thousand plus a year job as a commercial property manager in 2009. No one seemed to want to hire me in the industry. My forrner boss had "blacklisted" other employees when they left the company, and having experienced his particularly odd management style, I expected no less from him on my account as well. Anyone not agreeing with his outdated, machismo way of manipulating people became persona nongratis.Thank God he waited until a huge company payroll cutback to drop me from the payroll. Previously, I had thought sure it was curtains when he cornered me in a big open cage in the rear of the warehouse. It seemed like we were two growing tigers circling each other, with no resolution. He must have expected me to back down from his attack. My strength of will seemed to test his mettle. So he reserved his chance to expire my contract when the annual payroll culling occurred.

While I hunted for more than a $10.00 an hour job for over two years I studied. I studied the current political scene for a year while collecting unemployment. Then I proceeded to research  particular scientific topics of great personal interest, still while trying to find a decent job. There were not many available. So I collected unemployetnt until it ran out. Sure, I had no medical insurance, so I  just had to take my chances.

My landlord wanted his noisy condo back. It was on a busy streetcorner that reeked of loud sounds night and day. Ambulances, trains, police cars and street washers during the night, not to mention the odd helicopter landings occurring on the baseball field next door, after midnight. Then during daytime constant traffic, loud boombox cars, and trains rattling the windows in the rented condo. Did I get a decent night sleep during the entire two years there? I don't think so. So I had to find a place fast. One where they would take someone on unemployment. Flipping through the pages of an apartment magazine I found a place in another county. Went to look at it. Liked the apartment. I was accepted. So I moved.

For six days and nights I moved my belongings by myself. Sometimes all night long by myself. Well - okay my now ex-fiance helped me move for a couple hours one evening. He had taken a week's vacation from work but never offered to help during the entire time. Thank God at that time I was able to still afford the price of a mover and his moving truck. I finally got everything transferred - then collapsed inside my apartment.

The third day there- Easter Sunday 2010- my sister called to tell me Dad was in the hospital dying. We expected it. But it still came as a shock. And I couldn't afford to come up and say my "goodbyes" to him. I had just about stopped sleeping altogether at that point. The financial and emotional stress were absolutely unbearable.

I tried to call my now-ex fiance. I didn't even have a ride to the airport. Didn't know where it was. Didn't know anyone in the entire county. My mother and sister booked my flight. They insisted I fly up North right away to be with the rest of the family for the funeral. My son said he couldn't come. I couldn't get in touch with my now ex-fiance. He knew my father was dying in the hospital but had his phone on forward. Just one more time that he had let me down as many before. The final straw.

I flew up North for a week, sleeping on my mother's sofa. She and my stepfather keep their TV's on all night. I couldn't sleep a wink. The funeral was the Tuesday after Easter Sunday, the day Dad had passed away. Sleep got lost. I emailed my fiance and told him not to contact me. Perhaps an over-reaction but he had failed to step up to the plate one last time

Found out at my father's funeral that my best friend from high school had died. Her father came to my Dad's funeral.

After flying back to the Southern climes, I never was able to sleep again. I got lost every time I tried to find my way around the new neighborhood. I stopped sleeping altogether. Then I stopped eating. Without even realizing it. Then I stopped taking in liquids, not even knowing I had done so. Weight dropped off my body. I was able to wear clothes I hadn't worn in years. But much as I had wanted to lost weight this was not the way I chose to do it.

Only two friends visited me. One didn't understand what I was going through. The other came to help me once and then moved out of state. All my other friends forgot about me, even the two church prayer groups I had attended. You would think that people who called themselves Christians would have been more loving. I must admit many had given me food to tide me over while I was job hunting. But most of them forgot all about me when I moved.

The fourth month in the apartment my unemployment stopped. I was given a three day notice to move out. Then all of a sudden my entire inheritance arrived from my father's estate. An entire thousand dollars. Wow. Can you believe it? Just in time to pay the rent. Not that I'm complaining...but a thousand dollars? My dad had invented a tool for the Boilermakers' trade and never patented it. Now it was used across the entire industry. I could have been rich. But alas, my father failed to get his patent and ended up leaving me only one thousand dollars. But it did come right when I needed it most.

My depression was profound. A neighbor brought me food. That is how I started coming out of the slump. The neighbor kept bringing me food and watched over me while I went through this horrendous valley. I cried on his shoulder for my father. He straighted out my head on the days I felt confused and too low to go outside.

I had even tried to get counselling at several churches but none seemed to understand nor have any real answers I needed. One pastor said "Go to workforce" (the unemployment job hunting place), but I had been there day after day, month after month without any luck. I must have sent out five thousand resumes.

I questioned God. I questioned everything I had ever known about my faith. But every month after that I had rent money one way or another, even through the generosity of strangers I did not know. And I always had food.

After walking business park after business park I finally found a short-term job in February 2011. But the business went bankrupt. Again, miraculously, well- also after selling just about everything I had left, I was able to hang on by the skin of my teeth month after month. But all my credit cards crashed. I had no way of paying any of my bills. And surely many others who have lost jobs in this continuing economic depression have experienced the same thing.

I still haven't climbed out of the financial hole. But after three years of unemployment I have finally found work. Thank God. I thought it would never happen. And pardon me. I have faith. It's just that after that long searching for work one can give up hope, even with a strong belief in God. But He has sustained me. My Heavenly Father took care of me even when I didn't think He possibly could. I am so sorry I doubted Him. But He obviously cares for me more than I knew. Some day soon I hope to be back on my feet financially.

I am finally able to sleep at night. I have resolved the loss of my father. And the loss of a long-term relationship that I thought would end in marriage. On to a new future. It might not be what I hoped for. But nothing can stop the good future that God has planned for me. I am going forward with Him.